


Love him, will you?

by velvetcat09



Category: Gintama
Genre: Hurt No Comfort, M/M, one-sided tosshi, rip tosshi gone but not forgotten, set after otsuu arc i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:01:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25842481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetcat09/pseuds/velvetcat09
Summary: Gintoki unlocks the front door, he leaves it slightly open before returning to his room.====update: i guess this is goodbye
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 4
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i just finished reading the otsuu arc and i'm deeply attached to tosshi honestly  
> also this is just me throwing my personal hc because yeehaw amirite  
> need us more gintoki/tosshi

Gintoki unlocks the front door, he leaves it slightly open before returning to his room.

“Pardon the intrusion~” Tosshi follows him, finding Gintoki already sitting on the balcony with an arm leaning on the railing. Tosshi scoots himself closer and rummages through his yukata. He takes one of Toushirou’s cigarette and hands it to Gintoki.

This is their little secret.

When Hijikata Toushirou is deep in slumber, sinking into his abyssal subconscious with no guard, Tosshi would borrow his body. He’d walk all across Kabuki-cho and waits on the porch of the Yorozuya Gin-chan. The first time that Gintoki found this, it was safe to say that he’d been really annoyed. Why of all place, of all people. Why in the middle of the night like a fucking stray cat doing some horny yowling. But shit, the guy had looked really pathetic and it really didn’t help that the face is of that Demonic Vice-Commander. Somehow. Some-fucking-how, Gintoki let this become a routine or some sort. Tosshi would give him a cigarette and for the duration of that single stick, Gintoki will lend him his ear. Just his ear, attention not included.

It’s just a bunch of anime talk, Gintoki really couldn’t give a single crap. It’s Tomoe-chan this and Tomoe-chan that. Sometimes Tosshi would ask about anime that Gintoki likes but conversation wasn’t in the contract, the deal was that Gintoki will just be another presence to hear his ramble, that’s it, no other clause. The silver perm head doesn’t even give so much as a glance whenever Tosshi’s there.

And perhaps, that fact finally catches on with the otaku.

“Sakata-shi, do you hate me?”

Gintoki doesn’t reply, doesn’t look.

“’Cause Toushirou hates me as well, and you two are so alike, you must be.” Tosshi takes the wall next to the balcony opening, leaning his back against it. The moonlight only shines at the edge of his foot.

“I really don’t know why I’m still here. After what everyone went through, Toushirou was sure Shimura-shi had killed me then. Even I was sure of it as well. But the next thing I knew, I just woke up in Toushirou’s body again. I don’t know the reason of my existence anymore.” Gintoki casts a glance, catching the other looking at his hands, staring at it like it’s not attached to his being. Gintoki takes a drag of the cigarette.

“If I can be honest, Sakata-shi, I don’t feel like watching anime ever since that. I tried the first few nights when Toushirou was asleep, but I really don’t feel the same way anymore. Before I know it, I came to Sakata-shi. If I can be honest, I don’t even know why I came to you.” Gintoki looks away when Tosshi faces him.

“ _Gintoki would listen to you_.” Shit, he’s caught red-handed looking at Tosshi. What the hell is the otaku even saying—

“Is what Toushirou said, well, felt like saying. That’s why I came here.” There’s a rare smile on his face. Not something that Gintoki has ever seen on the Mayora’s face, not even something that he thinks Tosshi is capable of producing—but it’s a smile nonetheless and it tugs at Gintoki’s chest.

“Toushirou was right, Sakata-shi would listen. That’s why, I want to tell you something I haven’t told Toushirou yet. He doesn’t know I’m still alive, after all.” Tosshi looks away, that smile stays, however. “How fun, it’s like a secret _secret_.”

Gintoki finds himself still looking at Tosshi, despite everything. He’s only taken two drags of the cigarette. Why.

“I think I’m someone Toushirou would be if things hadn’t turned up badly.” Tosshi has a distant look in his eyes. Why. “If Toushirou had grew up with his brother, if he didn’t feel so burdened all the time.”

Gintoki can only stare.

“I think I’m just a part of Toushirou’s self that he locked up deep inside. Like a memory he doesn’t want to remember. But even if you don’t want to remember it, the memory is still inside you, right? That’s why, I’m still here despite everything.”

Why.

“Right, Sakata-shi?”

_Why._

Gintoki doesn’t finish the cigarette, it burns to ashes in his fingertips. Tosshi finally moves away from the shadow to pluck the remaining butt of the cigarette from Gintoki’s hand. Red eyes can only watch as his hand is being cleaned of the remaining ashes.

“Toushirou loves you. But he’s always terrible to Sakata-shi, so that’s why I want to show that Toushirou isn’t as terrible as you think he is. Please give him a chance, Sakata-shi.”

_Then why._

Tosshi removes his hands from Gintoki’s, slowly getting ready to leave the room. His wrist is caught by Gintoki who yanks him to stop his track.

_Why do you look like you’re about to cry?_

“What about _you_?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What about you?”

_“Toushirou, can I ask you one last thing?”_

“What about _you_?”

Which hurts the most, the vice grip Gintoki is using with his wrist, his expression that is unreadable with its concern, or his words. Which is it?

Tosshi doesn’t have Hijikata’s strength. Despite sharing the same body, despite being the same person. Tosshi wasn’t the one who broke the limiter. In fact, he was the limiter, he was the hindrance that Hijikata broke in order to become who he is. Where Hijikata is strong, Tosshi is weak.

He is very much weak under that intense gaze from Gintoki.

“You said it yourself, you’re just as much as him as he is you. You’re _you_.” What is it underneath all that words, like accusation. What is it that Gintoki is trying to fish out from this conversation, Tosshi doesn’t understand. Maybe Toushirou would, Toushirou seems to understand the silver samurai better than Tosshi, after all.

Ah. But that just makes Tosshi envies him even more, doesn’t it?

“I—”

Gintoki doesn’t let go, the grip nor the gaze. It seems it’s the end of their contract. This is their last.

_“I want to properly say goodbye.”_

It’s confusing, to be honest. They’re the same fucking person, aren’t they? This version of him that was brought to light from a stupid curse, is it Hijikata or not? Gintoki swallows all his rambling thoughts in favor on staying quiet. He doesn’t know, truth be told, he just spews bullshit all the time, so he really doesn’t know. It’s just what his heart is telling him, that’s all.

“I… just want to say thank you.” Gintoki watches the dam cracks into pieces and finally the stream is flowing freely. It doesn’t look like Hijikata. It’s Tosshi that’s crying. “On behalf of Toushirou. Thank you for being his friend.”

“And for me.. Thank you—even for a short time, even after all the trouble I’ve caused, thank you for letting me be your friend, Sakata-shi.”

He’s seen the guy faded and replaced by the Demonic Vice-commander, he’s seen the guy fainted after the ridiculous yet exhilarating match with Shinpachi. But nothing feels more like a goodbye than this very image right in front of him. This guy—Gintoki can only let the film unrolls.

“I love Toushirou. And I love Sakata-shi as well.” Why is he not stunted by that words, why does it feel natural to just accept Tosshi’s words like that. Gintoki feels the changing of position, it’s no longer him that’s holding down Tosshi, it’s his own hand being hold by Tosshi. “I want you two to get along.”

“So please, love him, Sakata-shi.”

_“Love him, please, Toushirou.”_

Tosshi leans closer but he stops, Gintoki can’t help but find that so endearingly Toshi-like. To halt. To hesitate. Maybe it has always been Tosshi that’s hesitating in that body, whenever that happens.

“You..” That hesitation, infectious, isn’t it? Now Gintoki himself doesn’t know where to start. But this urge to reciprocate the farewell, is it only courtesy or is it something a little more selfish?

“Use my share of love, if it is a burden for Sakata-shi, please use mine instead.” Gintoki watches up close how Tosshi splits his love into two. One half being entrusted to him. This guy—

_“If it’s too much, then please use my love.”_

“Keep it.” The words sting, making it harder for Tosshi to maintain his teary smile. “You don’t have to give it away.”

Gintoki leans close to his face. Tosshi closes his eyes when he feels another pair of lips against his own being pressed softly.

The night sky feels clearer. Toushirou, he must’ve known as well, _Gintoki would listen to you._

Toushirou knew all along, didn’t he?

“Thank you, thank you, Sakata-shi.” Tosshi smiles through his tears, smile into that gentle kiss. This is truly goodbye. The warmth, the way his heart feels at ease, it must be goodbye.

Just one last thing. He wants to do it, for real. Wants the word to be poured out right from his very heart that’s fading.

“Thank you, Gintoki.”

_“Thank you, Toushirou.”_

When Hijikata stirs in the middle of the night, an itch in his mind says that there is something wrong. He cracks his eyes open slowly and finds unfamiliar ceiling meets his. Then the feeling of unfamiliar futon with familiar smell. The musk is strong. Hijikata wakes fully from another scent, one that is so familiar to his decaying lungs. His eyes land on Gintoki sitting on his balcony, smoking Hijikata’s cigarette.

_Finally, you’re awake._

Hijikata didn’t hear the man saying that, but from the way Gintoki gazes across the room to meet his own, that impassiveness, yet something seems to be lingering there. The more he lets time stretches between them, the more Hijikata feels his own lingering.

He remembers.

Numerous nights, stumbling directionless before halting at the only place he’s familiar with. The feeling of being near yet far away. The tears. The love. From Tosshi, for Tosshi. Finally his wish being granted, Tosshi’s farewell cradled by Gintoki.

Tosshi’s memories are his now.

Hijikata takes a seat next to Gintoki on the balcony, lighting one of the cigarette in his mouth.

“Is he dead for real, now?”

“No.” The cage within him is empty. The cage itself is gone.

They lace their hands, fingers intertwining like it’s meant to be from the very beginning. Hijikata rests his head on Gintoki’s shoulder and Gintoki rests his on top of Hijikata’s. They should’ve done this from the very beginning.

But all those act of tenderness, not without guidance from this ghost of a feeling. Not without help of this tug.

_Thank you, Tosshi._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just really love tosshi, he's cute :((


End file.
